Stages of a Romantic Relationship
Psychologist Susan Campbell has shown how relationships go through five primary stages: the Romance Stage, the Power Struggle Stage, the Stability Stage, the Commitment Stage, and finally, the Bliss/Co-Creation Stage. These stages are based on relationships that begin with romance. As we know, however, people enter relationships for many reasons and in different ways. For example, you might enter a relationship because you feel unsafe or unstable and seek security. If that is the case, you will likely choose someone highly secure. However, you may not be physically attracted to this person, or the sex is just “okay.”
On the other hand, you might enter a relationship because you’ve met someone who made you feel alive when you initially felt depressed. In these relationships, it is expected that after the novelty wears off, you find yourself just as depressed as you were before you met, only this time, you might attribute your depression to your relationship. Or you may be entering a relationship because it was arranged for you by someone else (such as a parent or family member). To explain the development of a romantic relationship, I’ll assume you entered this relationship because you felt a romantic attraction to the person you partnered with.
Remember the thrill of the Romance Stage? It's when you fall head over heels in love, and your brain releases Oxytocin, Phenylethylamine, and Dopamine, setting your heart racing and your loins throbbing. You overlook any flaws in your partner, dismissing them as insignificant. You feel a deep connection and can’t imagine life without this person. This exhilarating phase can last from two months to two years, but it's time-limited no matter how intense it feels.
The next stage is the Power Struggle period. This is a challenging time when you and your partner focus less on what you have in common and more on your differences. You will feel disappointment, regret, and sometimes anger when this happens. You will miss what you had before and romanticize the old times. You may often say or think, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” The romantic love has worn off, and you are now living “real life.” You struggle with domestic tasks. You both think differently, and it’s challenging to develop routines and practices that align with one another. You fear that you’ll be stuck in this cycle, so you might conclude that you might as well end it before things get worse. This stage can go on for months or years. How long it lasts depends on whether the couple seeks support to change the patterns.
Often, couples don’t understand the importance of seeking help outside the relationship. This is where you see some people participate in infidelity because they are acting out their feelings rather than communicating their emotions effectively. People can stay in a power struggle stage for a long time, and some don’t move out.
Once you’ve successfully passed through the Power Struggle stage, you’ve entered the Stability Stage. The Stability Stage is a stage where you accept your partner as being different than you. You honor each other’s differences and respect each other. You develop new communication tools using “I” statements and learn not to take things personally. You can listen to your partner and validate their experience. You participate in clear boundaries and no longer try changing your partner. With mutual respect, you grow to love your partner in a new romantic way that feels deeper. You feel comfortable with each other and take risks to share more with your partner, who validates your experience. This approach causes you to feel heard, seen, and honored. You can see each other’s point of view and understand that you both may see things differently. You may agree to disagree on some matters. This stage can become comfortable and super secure--too comfortable and safe. Couples can get stuck in this stage where they become great roommates, but their sex lives dwindle. That’s why it’s essential to work on your sex life and find adventure regularly.
The Commitment Stage is where you’ve learned to love each other, shortcomings and all. You experience an outstanding balance of security, love, passion, fun, and freedom. Power and control no longer define your relationship. You feel a new commitment to each other. You feel like a power couple, where no one can break the security between you and your partner. You feel a genuine connection with someone in the world to whom you are genuinely committed. The problem in this stage is thinking your work is done. It isn’t. You have only begun.
In the Bliss/Co-Creation Stage, you move beyond your devotion to each other and share your time and gifts with your community. You have chosen to work as a team to support the world by having a child, volunteering, or creating a business together. You work on projects together to support the family, community, or the world. These gifts give back to the relationship in powerful ways. You meet new people who enter your life, enhancing your relationship and bond. The problem in this stage is when you give so much to the outside world that you neglect your relationship. You must find balance.
It’s important to remember that these relationship stages are not linear. They don't always follow a set order but move together, more like a spiral than a staircase. Unexpected events or circumstances can instantly push a relationship back to the Power Struggle stage. In my experience, significant changes in relationships occur approximately every five years. Think of your relationship as an ongoing process, like an orgasm that is constantly building, receding, developing, or evolving. Some relationships get stuck or clogged, while others flow smoothly, even over rocky paths. The type of relationship you want is yours, and it’s up to you to make it happen.