Infidelity and Self Love

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s Amy Margolis, Registered MSW.

So your husband committed infidelity and you’re leaving or you’re staying or you don’t quite know what you are going to do.  I love the old addage, “when in doubt, do nothing” and in making a clear decision, your best shot is to come from a place of self esteem and love.

Of course with infidelity comes all of the stages of grief: anger, sadness, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance and “the only way out is through.”  Give yourself plenty of space to process.  However, if you find yourself stuck obsessing about the infidelity most of your waking hours long after the event, its time to take action.  It is so easy to blame, point the finger and live in anger when we have been hurt, but remember, “resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

One suggestion I always use with clients is to compartmentalize their thinking about the infidelity.  For instance, allow yourself 20 minutes in the morning and 20 in the evening and let it go in between.  If it comes up, use a “cognitive block,” which is a more positive thought you can plug in instead.  Then I suggest getting back focused on yourself!  Buy yourself a journal or pick up your old one.  Write everyday and get to know yourself.  Make lists of things you love to do, qualities you love about yourself, behaviors you  want to change. Take yourself on dates, reach out to supportive people, buy yourself a gift.  Essentially, work on your intimacy with yourself.  This is not a dress rehearsal, ladies.  This is your life and you are so lovable!  From this place, you can decide how you want proceed in your relationship from a place of confidence and peace.

Elana Clark-Faler
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