How to Speak Her Love Language

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

Guys, do you often find yourself trying to show your partner love and not getting the response you hoped for?  Maybe you frequently tell her “I love you” thinking “If I tell her enough she has to know I love her”, only to hear her say “I don’t feel that you love me”!  Or maybe you make it a point to show her you love her by picking up the slack on the household chores just for her not to notice and complain that you never show her that you love her.  You’re probably thinking “Yea, what is that about?”

What you’ve got is a Love Language problem.   Don’t worry; this is a common and simple problem to solve once you understand the science of Love Languages. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages”, everyone has a primary love language.  Meaning that each person has their preferred way of giving and receiving love that makes them feel most cared about.   Often partners will give love the way they like to receive love.  However, many times their partner has a different style of giving and receiving love.  You can see how this might be problem.

Dr. Chapman identifies 5 love language styles.  Pay attention as you read each and notice which one you identify with and which one your partner may prefer.

1. Words of Affirmation:  Partners who feel most cared for through Words of Affirmation desire to be verbally affirmed with compliments, verbal expressions of love, and words of support and acknowledgment for things they do.

2. Quality Time:  Some partners feel most loved when their partner gives them quality time.  They don’t need gifts or verbal expressions of love.  All they desire is your time and attention.  Partners who receive love through Quality Time will enjoy time the two of you have specifically set aside for each other without distraction or interruption.

3. Receiving Gift:  Now this doesn’t mean diamond bracelets and exotic vacation every week.  All it means is that your partner feels most cared and loved for when they are shown visible signs of love such as something you have bought, prepared, or arranged for them.

4. Act of Service:  Partners whose love language is Acts of Service feel loved and appreciate when their partner makes their life easier by performing small task for them.  For example, partners who speak this love language may feel most loved by simply picking up the dog poop or cleaning the dishes.

5. Physical Touch:  Partner’s whose love language is Physical Touch desire to be touched to feel loved by you.  This doesn’t mean just sex, so it is important to find out what types of touch you partner craves.  It may be hugging, kissing, holding hands, or just simple contact when you are near each other.

If you’re still not sure what love language your partner speaks, ask them.  This will also give you a good opportunity to share your love language with them.  Once you both know each other’s love languages you can begin showing each other love in ways that each of your truly desire, making for a happier and healthier relationship.

Elana Clark-Faler
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