Find Out What Your Partner Really Want In Bed

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

A problem that I’ve come across is that men and women don’t know what their partners really want in bed, because they aren’t talking about it.  Couples aren’t talking to each other about what they like, what they want, or what sexual fantasies they would love to act out with each other.  Your partner may not be talking about it with you for a variety or reasons such as….

-Fear of embarrassment, rejection, or judgment

-Fear of getting into the past: your partner may believe that by talking about what they like may indicate that they’ve done it before, possibly with an old partner, which they are afraid may cause conflict.

-Fear of hurting your feelings

-Belief that you will not be receptive to hearing what they like and want in the bedroom.

-Assuming that you already know or should know what they want.

3 things that I’ve found that don’t help this problem are:

1. Continuing not to talk about it:  Continuing not to have the sex talk about what you and your partner want in bed will continue the cycle of not getting what you and your partner really want.  You are also keeping yourselves from being as sexually satisfied as you could be.

2. Talking about it in bed:  Talking about what you like and don’t like in the middle of sex is not going to work.  Have that conversation before you get to the bedroom.  You wouldn’t go into a football game without talking about the game plan before right?!  So talk about your sexual game plan before you hit the bedroom!

3. Being confrontational:  Avoid approaching your partner in a confrontational way or criticizing your partner.  This will only cause your partner to put up defenses and leave you guys getting nowhere.

Now let’s talk about what does work.  Research shows that good communication increases sexual and relationship satisfaction.  So here are 3 ways to increase your sexual communication and ultimately you and your partner’s relationship and sexual satisfaction.

1. Start talking about it:  Initiate a conversation with you partner about their sexual preferences.  The way to do this is to create room and a safe place for your partner to feel comfortable expressing their sexual desires.  Try approaching them with a caring, curious, and open attitude.

2. Ask them to show you:  Have your partner guide you through what they want.  Ask them to give you direction or have them place your hands where they want them.

3. Be open to feedback and check-in with your partner every once in awhile about what they want during sex.

Remember communication will be an ongoing process in your relationship.  So the more comfortable you appear about talking about sexual preferences the more your partner will too.  And in turn, you will also be getting opportunities to share what you truly desire during sex!

Elana Clark-Faler
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