This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Cindy Nigro, MFTi.

Have you been trying to find love but can’t seem to find your “perfect” mate?  Have your friends tried to set you up, but you always find something wrong with the prospect?  Have you said no to a date based on the person’s height, hair color, or clothing?  Perhaps you think about meeting your celebrity crush and when this happens you will fall head over heals in love with each other!  Its fun to fantasize, and we all have characteristics that, ideally, we would want in a mate.  However, if finding love is important to you, than it’s also important to keep an open mind while dating.

The kind of shoes a man wears, what color hair a woman has, how tall someone is, etc. shouldn’t be deciding factors when choosing a mate.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you should date someone you aren’t attracted to, but there is a difference between forcing yourself to date a person and dating someone who doesn’t have all the things on your ideal checklist. Give a person a chance and look beneath the surface. Don’t be too quick to dismiss someone for something small.

Try getting to know your potential partner on a deeper level. Do you both have the same long-term goals for career and family?  Will this person treat you with kindness and make a dedicated parent?  Does this person treat his/her family and others with respect?  The fact of the matter is that we all have characteristics that aren’t ideal to everyone, and I am almost willing to bet that no one out there has every single little item on your checklist.

In the grand scheme of things, the superficial items won’t really matter.  I mean think about it… As you get older, things about you start to change. Chances are at some point your ideal person might stop possessing everything on your checklist anyway.  So the next time you meet someone take a step back for a moment. Stop looking for everything they don’t have and start focusing on the things that they do or could have. You never know what can happen!

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

Whether you’ve been married 2 or 20 years, you know that marriage is work. It doesn’t always come easy.  As a newlywed myself, I learned that being “in love” is great. It feels great, but it’s kind of like “being on drugs” as I’ve heard one therapist say.  It blinds us from the real work it takes to have a successful relationship.  Yes, love and having those romantic feelings for your partner are absolutely important, it’s likely this is what led to you get married or be in a serious relationship, but love sometimes just isn’t enough.  It would be fantastic if it were that easy! Sadly the Beatles led you astray with their hit “All We Need Is Love”.

So what does it take to have marital bliss?  Well let me tell you what I’ve learned so far.  I’ve learned that being intentional in my relationship has been my #1 go to rule. I love my husband but some days he just gets under my skin! And during those times it’s not always my natural instinct to be a loving, caring, and considerate wife. This is normal for any couple.  There will be days you don’t feel like talking, being affectionate, or understanding.  This is where being intentional can really help.  What I mean by being intentional is being deliberate.  So I might even have a mental checklist in my head: Have I shown my partner affection? Have I affirmed him? Have I thanked him today? …and so on, whether I feel like it or not.  You might even think of it as your relationship bank account as marriage expert Willard Haryley suggests, “Every time you have a positive interaction with you partner, such as affection or affirmation, that’s a dollar in the bank.”  Another marriage expert, John Gottman, believes couples need 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.  The more your relationship bank is full of positive interactions, the better off you guys are.  Being aware of how empty or full your account is can remind you when you need to be intentional or deliberate about making positive interactions in your relationship.  So having a full “bank” will not only help build intimacy and satisfaction, it will also act as a cushion when you experience difficulties in your relationship.

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Cindy Nigro, MFTi.

Falling in love is exciting and getting involved in a relationship can be wonderful!   You may want to spend all of your time with your significant other.  You may think that having a healthy relationship means doing everything together and rarely spending time apart.  You put all your focus and energy into building and maintaining a happy relationship and you forget about yourself.

Some people spend so much time with their partner that they feel lost when they’re left alone for any period of time. Here are some tips to keep in mind so that you don’t lose yourself in your relationship:

1. Spend time with family and friends:  It’s important to spend time with other people who are important to you.  If your partner exhibits jealousy to an extreme level, then you may want to reconsider whether it’s a healthy bond.

2. Hobbies: Continue to engage in your hobbies and don’t lose sight of your interests.  If you enjoy playing sports, dancing, or drawing but your partner doesn’t share the same hobbies – its ok.  Keep dancing!

3. Goals:  Don’t forget about your long-term career goals just because you are swept away in the moment.   Remember the things that were important to you before you met your mate.

4. Alone time: Schedule time to do things alone.  Go for a long walk, meditate, or read a good book.

The more we have that fulfills us personally, the less we feel we lose if a relationship falls apart.  A healthy relationship requires as much “me” time as it does “we” time. Be sure to create a healthy balance in your relationship!

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

When a couple first starts dating or even when a couple first gets married, it’s easy to treat their partner with love and affection.  During the honeymoon stage you are more likely to be more tolerant, appreciative, and praise your partner with words of affirmation and love.

Being quick to forgive and less demanding.  But after awhile when the honeymoon tingles fade, as is normal, a couple can fall into bad habits and the gentle, patient, courteous, and forgiving responses turn into demanding and criticizing ones.  So what do you do if you obviously can’t always be in the honeymoon stage?  Well, you have to be intentional with how you treat and respond to your partner.  Of course our relationships aren’t always going to be fun and easy. It’s normal for there to be ups and downs in the relationship and for there to be some days where you are not that fond of each other and being kind and courteous and gentle won’t come naturally, but you still love each other.  This is where you need to become intentional with how you communicate and show love to your partner to help increase and maintain that intimacy that you want with your partner.  One way to do this is by coming together for the Daily A’s or Daily Affirmations.

When you are in the middle of your crazy life you often forget to say thank you, acknowledge when your partner made you feel good, or convey your appreciation for them.   This quick one minute exercise will not only help bring you together each day but help grow closeness and intimacy as each partner feels affirmed and appreciated by the other partner.

First choose a time each day that you and you partner will get together for your Daily A’s, maybe it’s in the morning at breakfast or before you go to bed.  Then choose someone to go first.  Finally, simply affirm your partner by saying “I appreciated it today when you ______________”, “Thank you for _________________”, “It made me feel good when you _________________________”, or “It really helped me out when _______________”.   Then switch and reverse roles.

Dr. Harry Harlow (1905 – 1981) conducted the controversial experimental studies best known for maternal separation and social isolation experiments conducted with monkeys.  Where he demonstrated the importance of care-giving and companionship in social and cognitive development.  He was able to prove that individuals left in isolation develop depression symptoms, which can lead to suicidal tendencies and behaviors.  He was able to prove that love is emotional and comes from nurturing relationships.  He  showed that the capacity for attachment was closely related to the critical periods in early life that convinced him that emotional attachment made a decisive developmental difference in human’s lives.  Monkey’s that were deprived of affection during infancy had difficulty forming affectional ties later in their life.

The monkeys that were raised ‘motherless’ grew to be either indifferent or abusive toward their babies.  The indifferent mothers had difficulty nursing, comforting and protecting their young.  They neglected their young and some monkey mothers violently bit or injured their children.  This proved that neglect and lack of connection can distort the way in which one interrupts and gives love.

Using Harlow’s experiment can help you begin to understand your own conflicts with your partner, because one or both partners don’t know how to connect. You might want connection and love, but experience your partner as distant and aloof.  What do you think the response would be when one person is distant, and the other partner desires connection?  Usually the partner that desires connection from the aloof partner pursues connection, which can include arguing.  When something is far away, you desire it to be close and you may react emotionally to get close (sometimes violating boundaries).

The person who is distant and aloof, may feel overwhelmed or criticized by his or her partner. When someone feels criticized or overwhelmed, he or she will generally push his or her partner away or avoid. This behavior may be experienced as distant, aloof, or neglectful by the partner who is the pursuer.  The couple has gotten into a dance of pursuing or avoiding connection. The key to stop this behavior is to be aware you and your partner are involved in a dance of avoider and pursuer.  Partners see each other as the problem and often blame each other.  When really it’s the dance, not the partner.  This dance can fatigue a relationship, causing couples to pursue an answer outside the relationship (therapy, infidelity and etc.) or live in a depressed relationship.

See Part II for more.

I encourage you to redefine the day for yourself.  You can look at Valentine’s Day as, not as a day of what you don’t have, but a day of what you want to create and what you want to give to yourself.  You can make it a day of love for yourself, by treating yourself.  You can walk along the beach with a warm cup of tea.  Dance and sing in your home or go see one of the Oscar Nominated Movies before Oscar night and have a wonderful meal.  V-Day can be a day you begin to take time to breathe, exhale and love yourself versus focusing on what you don’t have and feeling like a schmuck.

Love is wonderful to celebrate!

Please click here  to download the Self-Love Meditation

Self-Love Meditation

After seeing the demon dialogues as an external problem or a problem between each other, begin to identify the role you both take.  Does one individual pursue contact by blaming or attaching?  While the other partner creates distance?  What do you think happens when one person shuts down and distances her or himself?  You guessed it. The other person begins to get more frustrated and wants to pursue more, which can lead to attacking.  The individual who is shutting down of becoming passive is going into further isolation often feeling “not good enough.”

Gottman identifies four behaviors that kill a relationship:  stonewalling, contempt, defending, and criticizing. These behaviors are extremes, but all are attempts to either connect or distance oneself.  The need to be heard, loved, validated and shown compassion are all natural desires one seeks.  When there is lack of safety, couples find themselves one upping each other to prove they need to be heard and validated.

In addition to assessing the couples’ dynamics, I ask couples to describe to me what they saw and experienced while growing up, related to connection and communication.  Did they witness their family members connect by yelling? Did family members live separately?Was the household quiet or chaotic?  Was vulnerability viewed as a weakness? What learned behaviors did they pick up from witnessing and experiencing their family system that shows up in their current relationship?

I think it’s important to pursue couples counseling in order to get a third observer to assist you with identifying when you and your partner are getting into the “demon dialogues.”  When you are experiencing your emotions you are unable to see what is occurring from a rational point-a-view.  Many individuals are scared to pursue couples therapy, because they believe therapy will end their relationship.  The fact is most couples get better after getting into therapy. Couples that don’t get better in couples therapy usually entered therapy too late, just as their relationship was breaking up anyways and they use couples therapy as the last resort.  When they should’ve entered therapy long ago before the relationship became overly fatigued.

Where do you need to start first:

1.  Begin to see your arguments as failed attempts to connect.

2. See arguments as a patterned behavior that both partners participate in, versus seeing your partner as the problem or the enemy…stop blaming.

3. Create a time-out word that’s neutral (for example, “pickle,” “apple,” or etc.).  This word is an agreement that one person or both has had his or her fill and needs to request to set a boundary.

4. Agree to not call each other hurtful names, because it undermines #1 and it makes the interaction unsafe.

5. Repeat #1, and try to see your partner’s point-of-view based from her or his perspective even if you disagree with it.

6. Soften yourself and breathe.

7. Given the idea your partner wishes to connect, what do you think he or she is trying to say?  Even if it’s coming out all wrong.  Try to look past the way it’s coming out and grasp what your partner might be trying to communicate.

8. Validate your partner using body language and words that show you “get it.”

9. Now switch places and ask your partner if he or she is willing to understand what it’s like to be you.  Remember to return to #1.

This blog entry was written by our guest blogger, Dan Cross, M.Div., L.A.D.C.. Dan is currently the Executive Director of Absentee Shawnee Counseling Services, a clinic in Oklahoma City, with plans to open one in South Tulsa County. Dan has worked with co-occurring disorders since the early 1980’s. Cross has had over 25 years experience working with the Serious and Persistent Mentally Ill, the Chemically Dependent, and people with Co-Occurring Disorders. He has presented at a number of conferences in Oklahoma and nearby states.

Please note that the opinions presented in the article are that of the author and not necessarily the opinions of RHN. RHN chooses to publish articles and share individual sites to evoke discussion and show all options, ideas and beliefs.

This blogpost was written by Recovery Help Now’s Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

So you’ve created a vision and developed a plan to make that vision come to life.  You are pumped and motivated to make this thing happen and can’t wait to reap the rewards!  You have everything mapped out, what could go wrong?  Well that’s where you get yourself in trouble.  Yes, you want your vision and plan to be specific and detailed.  However, that doesn’t mean inflexible.  When you have rigid, inflexible ideas and expectations you are setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.  This can leave you at risk for throwing in the towel and giving up on your vision.

So when things don’t go as plan, turn that set back into a comeback by being flexible with your journey to accomplishing your vision.   Instead of seeing a barrier as a dead end, see it as a chance to improve on your vision and make it even better, even more refined.  Instead of seeing a shortcoming to your plan as a character flaw in you, see it as a welcomed and expected challenge.   Any thing new takes some getting use to and involves an adjustment period where you will be figuring out what works and doesn’t’ work for you.  Your vision and plan are not excluded from this.  So when you experience a halt in you, plan think to your self “How can I turn this set back into a come back?!”  I look forward to hearing how many of you got through obstacles that came your way on your journey through 2012!

Dr. Chinn is a 1986 Life graduate (Marietta), has been practicing in Seattle for 25 years and is a board member of the Gonstead Clinical Studies Society. He is the co-creator of the nutritional cardiovascular formula Acctrix (www.Acctrix.com), co-founder of Unisal Wellness Technologies and is the author of Symphony of Wellness and Soaring Beyond Fear ( www.PerryChinn.com). His book Symphony of Wellness focuses on the science and benefits of the Nobel Prize winning science ofnitric oxide for cardiovascular health. He can be reached at DrPChinn@gmail.com, drchinn@acctrix.com or info@perrychinn.com.

Please note that the opinions presented in the article are that of the author and not necessarily the opinions of RHN. RHN chooses to publish articles and share individual sites to evoke discussion and show all options, ideas and beliefs.

Actually a very good question.  Without a clear understanding of a consciousness long nurtured and conditioned in fear, the planning may indeed be accomplished and influenced by our fear-mind.

What do I mean by your “fear-mind”?  We are born into this physical reality and spiritual presence without the baggage of fear.   This must be learned.  And depending on our nurturing team (parents, caretakers, teachers, pastors, etc.) most of us learn the language of fear very well.

In fact, as we approach the age of reason and application of wisdom, a time to chart the direction of our life, we may indeed be severely crippled with fear.  Our motivation to set goals and accomplish visions can then become guided by avoidance of pain rather than the acknowledgement of our spiritual worth.

Therefore it is important to see the distinction of who we really are, on a conscious spiritual basis, and who we think we are…namely the identity personality assumed in fear and the residue of unworthiness.

Many people miss this distinction.  Some may arrive at this knowing following a personal crisis.  Others may achieve “enlightenment” through gradual and consistent spiritual work.  However arrived, the goal is the place of the observer.  Seeing our fear which quite simply allows a quiet observation and a platform of conscious action.

Set your goals and vision from the foundation of the observer in you.  See where you have a tendency to react in fear, to choose a course of action in desperation, rather than calm assurance and worthiness.

It is all in the observation….really no “work” to do.  Just “be” the observer.

Namaste and blessings to all in this New Year.