This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

Sexual infidelity is clear.  You know that sexual infidelity consists of a partner ignoring the boundaries of an intimate relationship and has some kind of physical sexual contact with another person.  However, emotional infidelity on the other hand is much like Internet infidelity, the boundaries and ideas of emotional infidelity are still gray and blurry.  Researchers Ana Maria Fernandez and colleagues define emotional infidelity as a partner forming a deep emotional attachment with another person.

What is concerning is that emotional infidelity often has the same impact on a relationship as a sexual infidelity.  With emotional cheating, a partner becomes emotionally unavailable and cut off in some aspect of the relationship because they are getting needs met by someone else that is typically met with in their primary relationship.  They basically fall in love or have a crush on someone else and have yet to act physically with that person.  Much like a sexual infidelity, there is lost of trust that is replaced by deep pain, anger and resentment.

So how to you begin to get past an emotional infidelity?

1.  Sit down with your partner and have a serious conversation about the transgression.  Many times the partner who committed the infidelity may not see their actions as cheating and may need to hear their partner’s experience to gain better understanding of the impact their emotional infidelity with another has had their relationship and on their partner.

2.  Get to the bottom of why the infidelity occurred.  Cheating doesn’t just happen accidentally or out of nowhere.  There was a need that one partner was not getting from the other and/or didn’t know how to ask for.

3.  Don’t be afraid to ask to help.   It is normal to be deeply affected by an emotional infidelity just as you might a sexual infidelity.  It can rock your relationship and many times it can seem overwhelming to try to deal of fix it on your own.  Seeking help from a professional can help you and your partner get to the root cause of the infidelity, as well as give you the tools to repair and strengthen your relationship.

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

Infidelities cause major ruptures in relationships.  Many times you hear about the impact an infidelity can have on the partner who was cheated on and how they can push through and support themselves through these difficult times.  Other times, you hear about how the couple can work past an infidelity together.  However, it is less often that you hear about the experience of the cheater and how they can help themselves to resolves issues that arise from cheating.  If you’ve cheated on someone that you love you understand those feelings of guilt, anger, and disgust towards yourself.  You may even say that you deserve to feel those things and be tormented by them.  However what good is it if your partner can work to forgive you but you can’t forgive yourself?  It takes both party’s acceptance and forgiveness to heal and recover from an infidelity.

To begin to forgive yourself you need to start by gaining understanding of why you did what you did and what led you to seek out another.  Ask yourself “What was going on at that time and why couldn’t I speak to my partner about it?” “What was I needing from my partner during that time that I was getting and why didn’t I feel that I could ask them for it?”  Gaining awareness will not only help you understand what happened but may also lessen your feelings of guilt.  Through awareness about the event you can gain confidence in yourself that it won’t happen again now knowing how it happened, what triggered it, and what needs to be worked on to repair the relationship and prevent it from happening again.

Now this isn’t going to be an easy road.  But if you can give as much time, energy, and commitment to forgiving yourself and working on the relationship as you wish your partner would, you will set a strong foundation for your relationship to begin not only to heal but to grow from.

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

Over the past decade, fast changing technology has brought a new dynamic to relationships.  While our society tends to have rather clear ideas of infidelity in the real world, such as infidelity requires a physical act, cyberspace has presented relationships with a new dimension of issues related to infidelity and demands reconsideration of what constitutes cheating.  Internet infidelity can happen in many forms: sexting, secret emails, live chats, and porn sites.   However because of Internet infidelity’s lack of a clear definition, couples are often left confused, pulled apart by differences in opinions, and partners left feeling invalidated.

The problems really come from differences in opinions about what constitutes infidelity when it is through the use of technology and no physical interactions occur.  For one partner it may be a deep and equally devastating betrayal as a physical infidelity in the real world.  While for another partner it might be something that is silly, not to be taken seriously, and isn’t a threat to their relationship.  Researchers Hertlein and Peircy note that online and real world infidelity share an important component.  Both online and real world infidelity involves secrecy, which as many of you know if where many problems in relationships begin.

So how do couples survive an Internet infidelity when every text, email, and login becomes questionable?  Communication.   Lack of communication about each partner’s ideas about Internet behavior and Internet infidelity is most likely a contributor to couples conflict involving technology.  However, still having a conversation about acceptable and unacceptable online behavior even after the fact can help couples recovering from an Internet infidelity.  Secondly, just as any problem that causes severe distress in a relationship, it will be important to get to the root cause of why one or both partners decided to stray from the relationship and seek out another.  Understandably infidelity can be a sensitive and overwhelming issue to speak about.  If therapy is an option for you, finding a couples therapist that is a good fit for you and your partner can help you begin the healing process towards trust and intimacy.

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Cindy Nigro, MFTi.

How do you carry on after infidelity has been discovered in your relationship?  Are you feeling numb one moment, angry another and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions?   Surviving infidelity is never easy but I can say that there are general patterns that people tend to follow.

The feelings tend to be similar to the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief  – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Being aware of these stages doesn’t mean that you will instantly feel better but they are tools to help you frame and identify what you may be feeling.  You may not feel all of these emotions and they may be experienced in a different order.  Your heartbreak and loss is as unique as your love and life.

Often times, learning of an affair is so shocking that one can go into denial as a way to cope with the overwhelming feelings.  Your life is turned upside down and the vision of your future has changed.  You no longer feel secure, and denial or minimization may be a coping mechanism.

Anger is a protective response to a perceived hurt or threat, and anger is a necessary stage of the healing process.  Be willing to feel your anger, as the more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and you will begin to heal.  Underneath the anger is pain, and it is natural to feel abandoned and betrayed.

Bargaining after infidelity can often come within yourself – how much are you willing to live with? Can you accept or ever trust your partner again? You may find yourself wanting to go back in time or ruminating about “what if … and if only” type thoughts.  You may be willing to do anything not to feel the pain of this betrayal and loss.

Depression is a common reaction after infidelity because your sense of basic trust in the world may be violated and you may feel powerless in dealing with the crisis.  Empty feelings present themselves, and sadness enters your life on a deeper level, deeper than you ever imagined.  You may feel hopeless and feel that this stage will last forever.  It won’t.

Finally, comes acceptance. Acceptance occurs when you come to terms with the affair, you feel in charge of your life again and begin to realize that you can deal with this. This can take weeks, months and even years. This doesn’t mean that you will ever necessarily be “OK” with what has happened.  This stage is about accepting the reality, learning to live with it and find happiness again.  You may not ever replace what has been lost, but you can make new connections, and new meaningful relationships.

You will begin to live again, but you cannot do so until you have given yourself time to process your pain and loss.

This blog entry was written by guest blogger, Roger Schwarz, MFT, JD. He specializes in couples and family counseling and psychotherapy. He combines years of training and experience as a therapist with the wisdom cultivated through a previous career as a lawyer/CPA. His approach is to facilitate change by complementing the insights the client already has with a perspective on how emotional triggering challenges one’s ability to make good judgments and carry them out effectively. On that foundation effective tools are provided that promote confidence in one’s ability to handle the situations that previously resulted in triggering behavior. A sub-specialty is work with couples where finances and business matters are a focus of struggle. 

Please note that the opinions presented in the article are that of the author and not necessarily the opinions of RHN. RHN chooses to publish articles and share individual sites to evoke discussion and show all options, ideas and beliefs.

How’s this for an opening challenge – it’s never about the money or about the sex. They are symptoms of what it’s really about, which is the relationship. And of course, the relationship is about how the participants relate to each other. And if this isn’t simple enough, how each person relates is all about how they see, think and feel about themselves. To boil it down even more, look in the mirror and that’s what it’s about.

Every good recovery program teaches this so my job is to add a little something that can move the work ahead by one step. While looking in the mirror ask: “What is it about me that I see this as his/her money or sex problem, or that I always blame myself?” Let’s take an example to illustrate how asking the right question can produce the right answer.

Typically couples describe money problems as, for example, not limiting spending to income or spending based on optimistic assumptions that do not come true. However, even when a couple tries to address these issues, each member of the couple tends either to point to something about the other that produced the crisis or degrade themselves with unbridled self-criticism. One says he earned the money and expected to be informed if expenses had to be reduced to remain in the black. The other says she made the credit card bill available but he never discussed it. Had each done what was necessary, one way or another the problem would have been addressed constructively and in a timely way. If one tried and the other did not step up, then action necessary to forestall the crisis would have been taken. For example, she might say, “If you continue to spend like that, I’m going to cancel the credit card.” Even a less severe consequence might have gotten the attention necessary to avoid a crisis.

Love Will Find a Way, the song goes. I believe that, so it’s necessary for each person to ask with optimism how he can see the struggle in a way that prompts a new idea and creative action to make headway. When that seems impossible, it’s time to reach out for support.

Sex is no different. “She is always tired or pushes me away if I try to cuddle.“  “He loses his erection every time we try to make love.” “She’s afraid of sex but won’t do anything about it.” How come? There is an answer but getting to the core and knowing what to do about it isn’t always easy. Nothing so gets in the way of intimacy than fear of rejection. The fear either prompts not speaking up or speaking up aggressively; neither works. But what about saying, “I miss you. Whatever the reason, I want to understand it and do my part to help.” If you’ve asked and got a reply blaming you for the problem, suggest that the problem is an “us” problem, not a “me” or “you” problem. Really, it does take two to tango and two to perpetuate an unsolved problem without doing something different to break the stalemate.

We all want the same things: to love and be loved; to feel secure with the other; to feel free to be oneself without taking undue risk of paying for candor with angry replies or silence. So, if your money or sex problem has become chronic, you both are responsible for it. If you can’t break the pattern via the recovery work you’re already doing, consider bringing the issue up more straightforwardly in your program. Ask a sponsor or seek professional guidance if your existing support system is not sufficient. Do something different to get a different result.

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s Cindy Nigro, MFTi.

Do you and your partner argue about finances?  Do you ever fantasize that if your partner was wealthy and things would be so much easier?  It’s common to think like that, and don’t get me wrong, there’s no doubt money can make life easier and more enjoyable at times.  But as many problems money may solve, it can just as easily cause others.

So whenever you find yourself fantasizing about having a wealthy spouse (perhaps after arguing with your short-of-a-million honey), consider some of the potential challenges you could face.

Making decisions in a marriage is always a bit of a power struggle, but if your partner has 1,000 times more wealth than you, does he or she get 1,000 times more say in how money is used and how much you get to spend?  Also, if your spouse is a workaholic, they will be spending a lot of time on the job, which means you will have an absentee spouse.  If your partner inherited money, his or her family may have a lot of say in what you and your kids will be doing with the funds.  In addition, if you become financially dependent on your partner, at some point the relationship may end or your partner could lose his or her job.

Ultimately, all decisions and responsibilities in relationships should be shared – including financials.  Instead of fantasizing about how much better the relationship might be if your partner was wealthier, perhaps together you can come up with a more efficient budget or creative ways to make money together.  Also, supporting your partner’s career choice will strengthen your relationship instead of focusing on his or her paycheck.

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

It’s not hard to see that more than ever more women are obtaining more masters, doctorates, and high-ranking positions.  With more young women seeking higher education than their male counterparts according the U.S. Department of Education, they now face a vastly different dating scene than before.  This is something that is new to our culture.  Not only are more women obtaining higher education, they are also earning more with that education.   So where does this leave young, educated, and successful women when it comes to dating?

Well let’s think about our social norms that still penetrate our society today.  Men are expected to be the breadwinners and the head of the household, while women stay at home or work part-time to take care of the house and the children.  The young women we see today greatly challenge that norm, calling for untraditional dynamics in relationships and families.  It is not uncommon now for women to earn more than their partners.  However, our society still consciously or unconsciously holds onto traditional ideas of men as the top earners in the family.   This leaves young women stuck between two ideas, one that is proud of their accomplishments and wants a man who is also of the same mind that they don’t have to follow a traditional path, and on the other, they are nervous about their success and how it may repel finding a partner if their success is viewed as a threat.

Here’s three tips for all you young, educated, and successful women trying to balance your desire for a satisfying relationship and still be a able to be proud of your accomplishments.

1. Think of yourself as an explorer or a pioneer! You are in the middle of a social shift where relationship norms are changing right before you.  Understand that while the dating world may have its challenges for women like you now, you are setting a path for all the successful females that follow you.

2. Be clear with yourself about what you want in a partner.  Explore and answer those hard to think about questions about money, education, and success for yourself and what do they mean for a potential partner.  Figuring out how you feel about your finances and being comfortable with it will likely make your dates more comfortable about it too.

3. Being successful and making money takes time and energy, which can impact any relationship.  You work hard probably day and night to have what have.  But sometimes even if the financial gap between you and your partner isn’t an issue, the amount of time and energy or lack there of you have to devote to your relationship is.  I’m not saying you should compromise your career, but be mindful that relationships also need to be a priority and take time and energy to maintain them.

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Vanessa Blaxland, MFTi.

Does money make you sexier?  Well, when you think about guys like Donald Trump and how he gets all those gorgeous women, you can’t help but think it’s got to be his bank account…  You might be onto something.  According to a survey by Grove and Prince, researchers found that your net worth does seem to affect your sex life.

Grove and Prince found that wealthy men reported more frequent sex as the primary benefit of their wealth while wealthy women reported the increase in the quality of sex as their primary benefit of wealth.  So does more money make you sexier?  According to this study it definitely seems to help you have a more interesting sex life.  But why?

One reason why money may mean better sex is that you are free of financial stress that can often impact sexual desire and satisfaction.  Without the stress and conflict caused by financial problems, you can give more attention and energy into maintaining a fulfilling sex life.  Now this goes for the rest of us that are not as financially blessed.  The more financially sound you become the less stress you will have and in turn less conflict with your partner.  This doesn’t mean that you have to become a millionaire to solve your financial problems that may impact your sex life, although I’m sure it would help.  It’s about creating a plan and putting that plan in action to generate less financial stress and provide space to focus on a sexier you.

This blog post was written by Recovery Help Now’s, Cindy Nigro, MFTi.

Chronic unemployment is putting many couples’ marital vows to the test — particularly the part that refers to “for richer, for poorer.”  With far less money coming in each month, many families have been forced to cut back, borrow money from family and friends, and maybe even drain their savings.  And then there is the toll that joblessness is taking on relationships.

If you and your partner are struggling because of unemployment or financial uncertainty, you are not alone.   Financial stress doesn’t have to tear your relationship apart. Here are some tips and strategies that will help you work together through tough times.

Share Responsibility:  Create a budget that will help prepare for the longer term, strip down expenses to the essentials and re-evaluate what’s really important to the family.  Be sure to go through the exercise together to avoid resentment, blame, and communication breakdowns.  Working together will also help you identify areas where you disagree, which may help avoid arguments later.

Argue Productively:  You’re probably going to argue, so you might as well make it a productive exercise.  Try to resolve the issue so the argument doesn’t repeat itself.  The fight should end with a something to do, or a preventive plan for the future.

Set Communication Routines:  When resentment or other negative feelings fester, even greeting your partner can become a chore. But establishing a communication routine can help you remain connected, even if you aren’t feeling particularly sentimental. That means saying good morning and good night, greeting each other when you enter and leave the house, and sharing a compliment a day. It could be as simple as, ’Thanks for picking up dinner.”

Date Nights: Try to come up with creative things to do that cost little or no money.  And remember the importance of affection and non-verbal communication.   Hand holding, hugging, and kissing will help you remain connected and are all free.

Read Part 1: What Happens When Sex Declines?

Most families in the US operate with two incomes.  In fact, 1 and 5 married families operate on one income alone.  Women are obtaining lucrative positions and sometimes making more than their spouses.  According to Time Magazine (March 26, 2012), women make-up almost 60% of US college students and earn the majority of doctorates and master’s degrees.  Some experts predict in 25 years, law and medicine will be female-dominated professions.  This article reports if trends continue the way they are going, more families will be supported by women rather than men.

Men are becoming more involved with their children and picking up the slack at home by cleaning and cooking.  There are more reports of men staying home to take care of their children because their wives are out earning them.  According to Time Magazine, women are more likely to make more financial decisions and veto a major expense than men.

Some men may feel threatened by the growing number of women who are becoming the main breadwinner. How might these changes affect sex within the relationship?  According to Whitney Houston when she was interviewed by Oprah, she believed that it was toxic in her relationship to have a woman out shine her husband.  I think this might come up for men who grew up with traditional or conservative beliefs similar to the way I was brought up.  The changes in men and women’s roles in the family may allow a new way for men and women to relate to one another sexually.

What about folks who are dating?  What’s it like for high earning women to date?  Are you finding individuals who are equal in earning power and status?  We’d like to hear from you.